Well me what you see…

When I was younger, I had so many questions, and I was determined to ask them all. Sometimes (it seemed) all in one day! Haha I love to learn and if I could make a living going to school, I WOULD!! 

But what I have discovered is that I’m living a life of labels. Everything has to fit neatly into it’s designated box. Just. Like. So.

I recently went to a education workshop and the focus was The Theory of Loose Parts, if you are a parent/child care provider/teacher GOOGLE IT!! It’s quite fascinating. It’s basically a way to allow children to explore their world and to use their imaginations using “found material in their environment”. So think bottle caps, gems, rocks, sticks, marbles, winecorks, etc, basically things that most adults (myself included) would LABEL trash/useless. 

During the workshop, we were given a bag of STUFF (water bottle caps, different shaped gems, a shaker bottle top, container bottoms) and asked to play with it. I’ll be honest, I had NO clue what to do with it. It was a little eye-opening to think that I consider myself a unique little snowflake that doesn’t live my life by rigid rules and points of view. But!! I couldn’t unsee the use of these items beyond what my adult brain had learned. A couple adults in my group managed to come up with a little game to see about getting the gems into the shaker top. But I was stuck. 

Anyways, my family life has been a little hectic and I needed to take a creative break. So I went thrifting. I wanted to see if i could find something for my littles (my class) to use. Nothing jumped at me for the class, but I found this.

I had NO idea what these things were and I didn’t want to know. But when i picked them up, I saw infinite possibilities. I saw my youngest threading ribbons, suncatchers; just to name a couple.

Windchimes! There was a sudden and very strong pull to make a windchime! My best friend just bought her first house and I wanted to send her a gift. 

It little grate had so much possibility. While I’m not done yet. I’m very pleased with it’s start.

Here is what this little experience taught me…I’m living my life and labels and have been only seeing what IS,  not what could be. Today I am overweight and broke but I’m not going to stay that way. I need to learn how to be present but also how to SEE a future that I want to have.

So when you look in the mirror, what do you see…

Fear is a four letter word.

Today.

I.

Am.

Struggling.

I’ve been sitting here wondering what happened. Four years ago, I lost 39 lbs and honestly, I thought that life was going to change once the weight was gone. 

The adventures I would have. I just had visions of all these smiling pictures on mountains, trails, maybe even a bathing suit. But that’s not what happened. Nothing happened, actually. The only thing that changed was a number on the scale. Honestly, I had a hard time even believing the scale because when I looked in the mirror, I only saw the fat girl from the “before” pictures. Strange, right? Almost 40 lbs, and I couldn’t see a difference. How is that even possible?!

I know this sounds silly, but I was (still am) scared to change. Growing up, I wasn’t thin, I was slightly larger than average and I was made fun of.  

Upon (many years of) reflection, I realize that it was easier to “blame” my appearance for the cause of my problems versus the actual problem…those kids were jerks!.

As I hit those dreaded teenage years, being anything other than a size 2 was considered “fat” and gave license for people to talk behind your back. I fell hard for a boy and overheard his comments about other girls weight. That was when I stopped eating and started exercising harder.

 

I went from 120 to 113, and naturally relished in any new attention and enjoyed the fact that I was actually able to go to the mall and try on clothes with my girlfriends. But it was fear that got me there. The fear that somewhere someone was talking about me behind my back, that A BOY (cue adult eyeroll) was talking negatively about all the things I already was worried about.

Fast forward to today.

I’m practically in tears while I type this. I am unhealthy. I’m 30+ lbs overweight, which probably means I’m “obese”. *Whew* “Obese”…that’s a rough one. I don’t even want to be in pictures with my family!! Or I don’t want to see them ever…

I asked a friend to take this picture because my girls and I had just completed our first year in a winter color guard and both of our teams had just placed FIRST. But do you know what I see? The roundness in my face, the width of my costume…

I recently went to the doc and we talked about all my health fears. What’s great is that I’m right on track….to GET THEM. I know it needs to change and I know how to. As in I know the steps, I’ve done it before. But what I’m having trouble with is the fear of change. I’m scared of who I will be without my “protective” layer of fat and chubby-based sarcasm and humor.

Today is a struggle but I’m writing this because I’m honoring my journey to a happier and healthier me. Tomorrow is going to be a great day! I’m deciding now.

Welcome to my journey.

I’ve written this story many times, and seemingly a hundred different ways. I’ve edited, re written and deleted sentence after sentence, paragraph after page after entire posts. But after the years (starting from high school), I’ve always been drawn to the idea of “writing it all down”. I want to share my story in the hopes of reaching someone, even if that someone is hanging out in the mirror. 

I’ve had a few blogs here and there and always within months to a year, I’m starting a new. It never felt right. It wasn’t the right title, the right topic. But that was the problem. I spent so much trouble focusing on one path along my journey, one aspect that makes me the person, I am today. For example, one blog was about my failed relationships, one about my family’s adventures, my weight loss,.etc. All were my “next best thing,” the one that stuck. Where are they now? Floating around in a cyber graveyard. But in all that, I started to see where I went wrong. I’m a person and like everyone, I’m multidimensional, and I have MANY passions! I haven’t found my mission and guess what! I’m okay with that! It doesn’t make me lazy, or a slacker. Just means I have more roads to travel. And I have to say that idea actually excites me. 

But this is just a chronical of that journey and I’m finally getting to a place where I’m no longer trying to bypass all of the soul searching and trials so I can “FINALLY be happy.” This is me learning to love me where I am today and honoring my journey, so I can make the best of what gifts and lessons I receive tomorrow. 

Thanks for the read.