Fear is a four letter word.

Today.

I.

Am.

Struggling.

I’ve been sitting here wondering what happened. Four years ago, I lost 39 lbs and honestly, I thought that life was going to change once the weight was gone. 

The adventures I would have. I just had visions of all these smiling pictures on mountains, trails, maybe even a bathing suit. But that’s not what happened. Nothing happened, actually. The only thing that changed was a number on the scale. Honestly, I had a hard time even believing the scale because when I looked in the mirror, I only saw the fat girl from the “before” pictures. Strange, right? Almost 40 lbs, and I couldn’t see a difference. How is that even possible?!

I know this sounds silly, but I was (still am) scared to change. Growing up, I wasn’t thin, I was slightly larger than average and I was made fun of.  

Upon (many years of) reflection, I realize that it was easier to “blame” my appearance for the cause of my problems versus the actual problem…those kids were jerks!.

As I hit those dreaded teenage years, being anything other than a size 2 was considered “fat” and gave license for people to talk behind your back. I fell hard for a boy and overheard his comments about other girls weight. That was when I stopped eating and started exercising harder.

 

I went from 120 to 113, and naturally relished in any new attention and enjoyed the fact that I was actually able to go to the mall and try on clothes with my girlfriends. But it was fear that got me there. The fear that somewhere someone was talking about me behind my back, that A BOY (cue adult eyeroll) was talking negatively about all the things I already was worried about.

Fast forward to today.

I’m practically in tears while I type this. I am unhealthy. I’m 30+ lbs overweight, which probably means I’m “obese”. *Whew* “Obese”…that’s a rough one. I don’t even want to be in pictures with my family!! Or I don’t want to see them ever…

I asked a friend to take this picture because my girls and I had just completed our first year in a winter color guard and both of our teams had just placed FIRST. But do you know what I see? The roundness in my face, the width of my costume…

I recently went to the doc and we talked about all my health fears. What’s great is that I’m right on track….to GET THEM. I know it needs to change and I know how to. As in I know the steps, I’ve done it before. But what I’m having trouble with is the fear of change. I’m scared of who I will be without my “protective” layer of fat and chubby-based sarcasm and humor.

Today is a struggle but I’m writing this because I’m honoring my journey to a happier and healthier me. Tomorrow is going to be a great day! I’m deciding now.

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